Uninformed Ignorant Biased UKFC Rant

Seen it all before, will see it all again.

The United Kingdom Film Council abolishment is being carried out by the coalition government, acting upon intent of the previous Labour government.

People despise farming subsidies yet movie making subsidies are OK? Because, isn't that what the UKFC was best at? Attracting foreign films to UK shores (note: American productions are classified as foreign) and subsidising them with UK Lottery money. If the UKFC was doing such a good fucking job, why don't any UK directors stick around to make movies with the UKFC (Ritchie, Vaughn, Nolan ...) - I mean, "Gosford Park" hailed as a great UKFC was directed by Robert Altman (god bless him). Huh?

"Sink or swim", I hear the argument. Yet, for the rest of the fucking world not being subsidised that's exactly what we all have to do. And some of us do sink. Badly. Choking, claustrophobic fear filled deaths. Can't rely on handouts of free cash, we have to fucking earn our own cash with our own blood, sweat, tears and broken families. A lot of us swim. Some taken by the currents, a lot taken by the under currents, but hey, head above water, that's swimming, right?

And why is everyone blaming the cock-sucking Tories when it was decided under the previous lazy Labour government that they were going to disassemble their gentleman's club quango before they drew attention to their crooked accounting. Okay, I made that bit up about the accounting. Believe me. No, really I did. The UKFC was an above board quango in every way. They in no way took all that Lottery money and lined their own pockets and made their own films and fornicated whilst visiting big American film sets. Really, they didn't. Trust me.

Thankfully the BFI remains unscathed, however since there are close ties between BFI and ex-UKFC, I do wonder how much UKFC pollution will find its way into the BFI. Mind you, as people keep reminding me, the BFI is a charity, so it's obviously not worth raping. I mean, it's library of British culture, home of the BFI Handbook and LFF, totally fucking worthless for 80 years, compared to the ten year old UKFC failure. Right?

What we really needed was regional arts boards plus UKFC because, after all, films aren't fucking art are they, how can a film be made by a fucking arts board? No, it needs to have "film" in the name or the dumbfuck filmmakers won't know they can get money, and jesus do you want to see another film made by a douchenozzle art student? And how would an arts board ever communicate how great the UK was for making films, with lots and lots of starving actors and crew who will work for food.

Of the wholly British movies funded by the UKFC, I don't know any of their names, so did UKFC spend any money on marketing? I guess not. "Sex Lives Of The Potato Men", yeah thanks for that.

But UKFC licked arse on lots of American productions, so that makes it okay. That makes a British film industry which is not much about Britain (HELLO: Hogwarts is not representative of British culture, though it is a very successful ripoff of 'Worst Witch')

Fuck it. I like American films, but I don't want to subsidise them (disclosure- I don't buy lottery tickets so of course I'm not fucking subsidising them). Send our greatest directors to Hollywood and let the rest of us bathe in our money-starved mediocrity. Now that's true Art.